See? Even as a toddler I was a crybaby.
I don’t know how to have friends. I realized this yesterday. I’m terrible at it. I don’t share or confide; or if I do, it’s mostly surface stuff, or if I do share, I then stop the flow of confidence and clam up. I divulge more of my personal life on my blog than I do with the people who I care about. What is up with that?
I have been thinking on it. And I realized that my control-freakishness extends into my emotional life. I realize that I am afraid that by letting people in, I am relinquishing control of the most tender part of my being. My past; my feelings, my hopes and my dreams. I’m so superficial in a way; I don’t really get into depths with people even though I want them to bring depth to me. It doesn’t mean I never have been deeply invested in friends; I’ve had one or two friends in my life who didn’t settle for just the onion paper. They dug into the layers that provoke unwanted tears—but they had to really dig for it. I don’t volunteer it, I don’t weep on people’s shoulders, I don’t ask for help, no matter how close to tears I feel. I don’t know how to fix this… or to let go of control without feeling like I’m bearing my underbelly to be ravaged by whomever. I understand that it’s trust I need to work on… I’m trying. I am not the person to chase people down to confide in them though, and that’s probably why the onion diggers were successful, because they chased me down and made me face myself… Otherwise, I’ll avoid intimacy at any cost. I can sort of see why that is looking at my past, but it’s no excuse. I know.
Lately, I’ve been internalizing a lot of stuff. Things have been so open with my husband and I, despite his constant absence—and his stress levels with the job that he has are soaring, so I don’t want to dump my miseries on him. I try to stay positive insofar as I can (being such a negative Nancy, it’s rough…) so he doesn’t feel worse about his situation. So I’ve been chewing on my sadness about my father and his now failing kidneys… and stewing in my stress over my job and feeling like I’m losing grip on the ORS, which is so important to me… and worrying that the people who I rely on to help me are not happy and are jumping ship when I need them most—I know they have crises and difficulties of their own too, so I don’t want to impose. I don’t know where to go with that—how to go to someone about that without looking like a big hungarican whiner, or even who to take it to. I feel like I’m treading water in the middle of the ocean. < /whining >
Really. I’m done whining. ::::::::I am a crosspatch today::::::::: I just should have stayed in bed… had I not used up every last second of my vacation time to visit daddy, I probably would have taken the day off.
ANYWAY…. Onto better things….
I have been thinking on it. And I realized that my control-freakishness extends into my emotional life. I realize that I am afraid that by letting people in, I am relinquishing control of the most tender part of my being. My past; my feelings, my hopes and my dreams. I’m so superficial in a way; I don’t really get into depths with people even though I want them to bring depth to me. It doesn’t mean I never have been deeply invested in friends; I’ve had one or two friends in my life who didn’t settle for just the onion paper. They dug into the layers that provoke unwanted tears—but they had to really dig for it. I don’t volunteer it, I don’t weep on people’s shoulders, I don’t ask for help, no matter how close to tears I feel. I don’t know how to fix this… or to let go of control without feeling like I’m bearing my underbelly to be ravaged by whomever. I understand that it’s trust I need to work on… I’m trying. I am not the person to chase people down to confide in them though, and that’s probably why the onion diggers were successful, because they chased me down and made me face myself… Otherwise, I’ll avoid intimacy at any cost. I can sort of see why that is looking at my past, but it’s no excuse. I know.
Lately, I’ve been internalizing a lot of stuff. Things have been so open with my husband and I, despite his constant absence—and his stress levels with the job that he has are soaring, so I don’t want to dump my miseries on him. I try to stay positive insofar as I can (being such a negative Nancy, it’s rough…) so he doesn’t feel worse about his situation. So I’ve been chewing on my sadness about my father and his now failing kidneys… and stewing in my stress over my job and feeling like I’m losing grip on the ORS, which is so important to me… and worrying that the people who I rely on to help me are not happy and are jumping ship when I need them most—I know they have crises and difficulties of their own too, so I don’t want to impose. I don’t know where to go with that—how to go to someone about that without looking like a big hungarican whiner, or even who to take it to. I feel like I’m treading water in the middle of the ocean. < /whining >
Really. I’m done whining. ::::::::I am a crosspatch today::::::::: I just should have stayed in bed… had I not used up every last second of my vacation time to visit daddy, I probably would have taken the day off.
ANYWAY…. Onto better things….
Remember this guy?
Cuteness extraordinaire!
If you don’t… here’s the original post. His name is Tag. And he might be mine after all. I just need to find a place to keep him near my home so I can fuss over him and call him George. How irresponsible of me. ::teehee:: I have to dig around in the attic and find my tack boxes and see if my bridles haven’t been turned into mold fodder, and I need to oil my saddles. I may also go ahead and buy myself a new sidesaddle—I found some reasonable ones on ebay. What a fun opportunity to sew a regency riding habit.. Squeeee!!! See… Hopes.. UP.
5 comments:
This onion peeler sure hopes you get to call Tag your own :-) Hang in there, lady. Love ya!
I have a few close friends that I can talk to, but I'm not one to bare my soul to many people. I think the anonymity of the internet can make it easier to divulge, but the internet can't hug you or make you dinner when you're down. I've read studies that say that while we're more connected than ever, many people are lonelier too. I wonder if that's because we use the internet as a social interaction substitute, or if its because we have grander expectations of what personal connections should be now.
Tag is a cutie! Four-legged furry therapy is certainly useful!
staying in bed when you're feeling blue is not a good idea, I've decided.
I'm another one who doesn't want to give too much of my private life away, but I have done it here, on the internet. Just remember that family is usually best to whine to; they've seen you through it all before, and might have some good advice. And also that many people (usually women) are just waiting to give you a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to talk into. It's something about that mothering instinct. {:-Deb
congrats on the horsey! Break out the regency riding habits. Heh. Much Love, from another onion digger/peeler/whatevah. Girly, you gots Layers.
I think a lot of artistic souls are like you have described. Perhaps it stems from being so sensitive? But I hope those who really matter rally for you, sometimes you just gotta let go.
Congrats too on the horse! Oh, what a dream!
And yes...Oklahoma is a bit far from Oregon for me to come and do silhouettes...darn it!
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