I’m not going to lie. The first trimester of pregnancy is a special little version of hell. I’ve spent the better part of the last six weeks in a state of fugue. I’ve been utterly without motivation, or inclination to do anything at all. I’ve done no sewing, no writing, absolutely nothing. I lie on the sofa unmoving, marathoning Madmen and wishing for a sure and quick death. The other facet of this is the unrelenting morning sickness. The term morning sickness may apply to a portion of pregnant women, but for many, like myself, the sickness is not at all restricted to any particular time of day, instead rearing its ugly head whenever it pleases, unrelentingly reminding me in the most horrific way that I have no control of my body. My stomach will clench painfully, and it will not stop until it has squeezed out every molecule of whatever it is that is pissing it off. Even if that means I can barely breathe and I could swear I can feel my toes coming up.
Not a single one of the old-wives remedies worked. Ginger did not work; it was just unpleasant to vomit up. Lemon wedges, the hard candies, crackers, bananas, or the whole BRAT diet, all complete horse-hockey.
My doctor eventually gave up trying to convince me that a half-pill of Unisom every 12 hours would keep these symptoms under control. Occasionally it helped temper the vomiting but most of the time, I just vomited the pill up after it had melted into my stomach acids to create a dark brew akin to battery acid, and I’d continue vomiting unrelentingly until I started wishing for my own death. The doctor kindly decided to prescribe Zofram, which is a medication which is commonly prescribed to chemotherapy patients to manage their hellacious nausea symptoms.
The Zofram has made my desire for my own demise fade away on the most part. I’ve learned that the best way for me to use this medication is to take it before I go to bed. If I take it in the morning, it gets retched up within half an hour of being ingested, and I am not confident enough in it all being removed as to take another dose. It does however, have a strong sedating effect on me, and makes getting out of bed nigh impossible. I’ve missed SO much work from all this, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do for bills.
BUT... all this wretched misery has been proven well-worthwhile. On Monday, hubby and I went to my first-trimester screening, and met with a genetic counselor. The screening included an ultrasound. Our first ultrasound was pretty profound. Seeing that little flickering blob, the beating heart, the lima bean, that was pretty amazing. But it was overshadowed by what we saw on Monday. The moment I stretched out on the ‘slab’ and unbuttoned my jeans, got the warm gloop squeezed onto my tummy, and the wand was pressed against my pelvis, the dark blob resolved itself, and then the little beanlet came into view. She/he was facing the ‘camera’ so to speak, and we saw him/her appear as if in layers. Toes, fingers, nose, forehead, lips... and next thing you know, there’s a whole little person resolving before us in grey and white points.
Two inches from ‘head to rump’, there was really no difference between what we were looking at and what a newborn looks like except the size and scale. Not only did we see with astonishing detail, the profile and hands and feet, we saw the beanlet kick and squirm with great animation. Our critter is a spunky little wiggle-worm. The baby seemed determined to squirm away from the ultrasound wand as much as possible, twisting away and showing us its teeny back and rear end. It didn’t help that with ever twitch, squirm, cartwheel or kick, I would explode into fresh tears and sobbing because I could not believe what I was seeing—making the technician’s job of capturing measurements somewhat harder.
We heard the little heartbeat, and oohed and ahhed in utter amazement at the miniscule creature growing in my belly.
I am looking forward to earning my ‘bump’. Right now, I can feel the little nugget ball nestled in there, but there’s really no marked baby-bump right now. I’m almost a full-third of the way through the pregnancy already; which is scary if I think on it too much. By the ORS retreat in August, I’ll be bumpified. I’m through the highest risk time, and am hoping for a continued healthy pregnancy. The way Beanlet is tumbling around, and kicking off of walls like an astronaut in space, I can feel free to look forward and not dwell and worry too much.
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| Tag is looking around while stuffing his face. His first few hours at 'camp'. |
My horse has been horse-napped by my generous sister, who has offered to keep him at her place for the duration of my ‘confinement’. So he was taken on Sunday last, loaded into her roomy trailer and driven from his dark stall and cramped conditions to her house, where he has a very large paddock to play in, and two friends to torment. He has been quite excited and happy the past week, and is just starting to settle down. He is in the best hands, and I am SO grateful to my sister for doing this for me. It means the world. We plan to go visit him in Eastern Oregon on Memorial Day weekend.
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| My sister's horses were curious about the cinnamon newcomer. |
I have no creative things to report because since March, I have done absolutely nothing. I have SO much to do; sewing, website updating, helping my sister revamp her blog, and so many other projects that have been in suspension while I float through this fugue of first-trimester misery. I’m hoping the crappy stuff will fade soon (I’ll be at 13 weeks on this coming Monday) and I will be able to catch up on all these things and start working on my retreat stuff.
Next weekend, come hell or high-water, I and my husband will be joining other ORS members for our Topsails and Tea event, where we have tea in Newport Oregon in the early afternoon, and then we take a serene evening sail on a tall ship (either the Lady Washington or the Hawaiian Chieftain). So I will try to remember to take pictures. I had planned to wear my riding habit to this event, but I haven’t done anything on it since February, and I don’t think I can do all that much in a week (or if I’m even motivated to do anything to begin with). So I’ll wear something I already have and maybe I’ll finish up a hat for the occasion. We shall see.
Have a lovely weekend and happy Friday!
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| Wow. Space and grass and hay and a salt-lick. Could life get any better? |
