Thursday, November 20, 2008

Bad Blood.

I've gone and done it again. I've spoken my mind. I've let someone have it as my husband says; "with both barrels". And the result is bad feelings. I can't help but feel ambivalent to some degree. I upset people who are constantly disappointing my husband, breaking his heart; I enraged people who have been disingenuous and selfish, I laid it all out for souls who pay no attention to us at all, unless they need something, who pretend to care about someone because they seek only financial benefit from them.

So I just can't bring myself to feel bad for speaking my mind. I am only sad that I put my husband in an uncomfortable position.

I am like that though. As a mean, I'm an affable, kind, loving person. I seem like a sweet powder-puff on the most part; but I learned the hard way that it's important to be honest with you sentiments, and it's important to never allow anyone to take away your power by keeping your mouth shut. It's just not worth it. No relationship on this earth is worth swallowing anger, or keeping festering resentment like that. And you push this powder-puff enough, and you hurt or threaten the people this powder-puff loves enough, and I just stop caring about sparing feelings and saving relationships that are not beneficial... and then it all comes out. The Beast is set loose, and my words usually at this point have been stewing and fermenting for a while... aquiring a little sting and some acidity. They spew out in a cascade of the past five year's worth of resentments, and voila. It's out on the table. This is how I really feel. While I've been smiling at you, I've been biting my tongue. And when the Beast comes out, it's usually not a salvagable situation. Usually when the Beast speaks, relationships end.

I was unbelievably harsh, yes. But there wasn't a single thing I said that wasn't 100% honest or truthful in what I expressed. Whether or not it fell on deaf ears at this point, is irrelevant. I don't expect anyone is mature enough to stop, look at what I expressed, and come to some ephipany that will lead to great change or improvement in relationships, or honesty in communication. People aren't like that. When faced with hard truths, people usually choose to return with a counterattack, and to justify themselves, and to shut it down so no effort is further required on their part. It's easier that way.

Well. It's all out. People are up in arms and angry. They don't want to speak to me anymore. I do not feel too terrible about that for some reason. In fact, I feel like I've just removed about 550 lbs of dead-weight off my mind. I'm glad they know where I stand. If their silence is the price, oh well.

In the end there's only one person who matters to me. That's my husband. The people who seek to interfere are peripheral and unimportant. He doesn't usually voice his anger and his frustrations. I have less to lose, so I have no qualms doing so. Maybe, at least for him, it will have a positive effect someday.

So Evil Stephanie strikes again. ::sigh:: C'est la vie.

I think a fat cat is in order. Fat cats are always good to lighten a situation.


An attempt at life... said...

Good for you! Hopefully they will have a nice wakeup call! The devotion you have for youre husband is amazing! Hope everything works out!

Anonymous said...

Though I am quite intimidated by the head warning of your blog, one thing we have in common is Jane Austen, I see. I wonder what of Jane Austen made you so devoted to her. Well, your thunderous handling of people in close relationship made me laugh. I think we all blind ourselves from knowing how selfish we have become in many ways and never wanted to be discovered so until someone who fell off the cliff, screaming and yelling. Sad business. In the name of family, we all are likely guilty, knowingly and unknowingly, of abuse and misuse of each other, I guess.

Lauren said...

I agree with Stephanie R! Good for you for standing up. You remind me of my mom, sweet and powder puff as a general rule. However, she can blow with the best of them and once she's through with you, she's through!

Hungarican Chick said...

Hey Anon,

I'm not quite sure what to make of your comment. Intimidated by my head-warning? What's intimidating. Powder-puff, remember?

Does one need a single reason as to why one loves Jane Austen? I think not. She is universally loved, for the way her characters prove that people are the same no matter what time period you're in, for their cleverness, their failings... everything. She's brilliant and always will be.

As for the fallout... in plain terms, 'stuff' happens. What can you do, that's life? ::shrug:: I can only call it as I see it. I can only be honest. I *can* raise hell if it needs to be raised, and I can live my life as best I can taking care of the people who matter to me.

Anonymous said...

Well, you didn’t send me right up into oblivion of tyrannical autocracy, I guess. Thanks for that already. Jane Austen makes me giggle. That’s why I adore her. No, that’s not it. Like you said, there are many things we appreciate her for. What is the foremost element for me to say that she is my personal champion as yet in English literature, even though I don’t regard her as a giant, is her distinct voice, yes, you may say her intelligence, her innate literary scope in depth, and masculine drive in style and what not.

It may sound silly but as far as I know her, there is the most unforgettable hue in her voice that I hardly can miss even if I encounter one in the cloud of thousand other author’s scripts. And as weird as it seems and somewhat nutty, I guess, yet I haven’t yet finished a book of hers. You can laugh if you want. I only read a few pages each book of hers. And still I resist reading through them all for another lame, unorthodox reason that I want to savor the moment later, much later. And then how do I know her? Am I entitled to claiming to know about Jane Austen? Definitely. How reckless I on that claim? To the point of trying to pinpoint the starting page from which one of modern authoress patched up to create a novel based on her unfinished work. It’s fun anyway.

I usually compare her with F Scott Fitzgerald. She is an ultimate natural beauty, rather unpolished and unadorned, of landscape while Fitzgerald artificial glamour built in skyscrapers. As I pick Jane Austen among the sea of great many literary celebrities, I tend to inquire of what made those her admirers to be so and devoted to Jane Austen and what other elements they love the most. And I hope it doesn’t sound unseemly.

Though it’s considered supreme virtue in humanity, I mean family bond, I think that’s another loophole for us all that makes us in the end again selfish, I mean destructively selfish, which we’re supposed to overcome. If our purpose can be set for the sake of goodness itself rather than who’s related to who, so that we can stand up for what is right rather than who is closer to me, then I hope and believe that our selfishness is well directed and more sufferable. By the way I don’t think it’s about blood.

Hungarican Chick said...

I love your assessment of Jane. It's lovely and well considered.

I don't have any lofty reasons, I simply resonate to her 'voice'. I find her dialogue witty and refreshing, her observations keen and certain heroines (Anne Eliott for instance) are so well defined that you cannot help but relate entirely to them and in part to the author. There's a reason why she's still going strong ~200 years later.

I had forgotten about my 'tyranical autocracy'... LOL. I've had situations in my past where some people troll on my blog, so I have resolved to delete them. I do not delete people with complete thoughts and whose posts have some modicum of coherence.

As for family bonds... I find bonds with people who aren't 'blood'. People who enrich my life, and people who are worthy. If that is selfish, then I am proud to say I am selfish. I do not believe I should be obligated to accept anything someone says or does because they are my family. If they are hurtful, or motivated by selfish purposes, snide, passive aggressive or plain obnoxious, then I have a right to separate myself from it. However that comes off in regards to me, I'm ready to accept that. I am happy to take responsibility for my actions. And "I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness".



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