I've gone and done it again. I've spoken my mind. I've let someone have it as my husband says; "with both barrels". And the result is bad feelings. I can't help but feel ambivalent to some degree. I upset people who are constantly disappointing my husband, breaking his heart; I enraged people who have been disingenuous and selfish, I laid it all out for souls who pay no attention to us at all, unless they need something, who pretend to care about someone because they seek only financial benefit from them.
So I just can't bring myself to feel bad for speaking my mind. I am only sad that I put my husband in an uncomfortable position.
I am like that though. As a mean, I'm an affable, kind, loving person. I seem like a sweet powder-puff on the most part; but I learned the hard way that it's important to be honest with you sentiments, and it's important to never allow anyone to take away your power by keeping your mouth shut. It's just not worth it. No relationship on this earth is worth swallowing anger, or keeping festering resentment like that. And you push this powder-puff enough, and you hurt or threaten the people this powder-puff loves enough, and I just stop caring about sparing feelings and saving relationships that are not beneficial... and then it all comes out. The Beast is set loose, and my words usually at this point have been stewing and fermenting for a while... aquiring a little sting and some acidity. They spew out in a cascade of the past five year's worth of resentments, and voila. It's out on the table. This is how I really feel. While I've been smiling at you, I've been biting my tongue. And when the Beast comes out, it's usually not a salvagable situation. Usually when the Beast speaks, relationships end.
I was unbelievably harsh, yes. But there wasn't a single thing I said that wasn't 100% honest or truthful in what I expressed. Whether or not it fell on deaf ears at this point, is irrelevant. I don't expect anyone is mature enough to stop, look at what I expressed, and come to some ephipany that will lead to great change or improvement in relationships, or honesty in communication. People aren't like that. When faced with hard truths, people usually choose to return with a counterattack, and to justify themselves, and to shut it down so no effort is further required on their part. It's easier that way.
Well. It's all out. People are up in arms and angry. They don't want to speak to me anymore. I do not feel too terrible about that for some reason. In fact, I feel like I've just removed about 550 lbs of dead-weight off my mind. I'm glad they know where I stand. If their silence is the price, oh well.
In the end there's only one person who matters to me. That's my husband. The people who seek to interfere are peripheral and unimportant. He doesn't usually voice his anger and his frustrations. I have less to lose, so I have no qualms doing so. Maybe, at least for him, it will have a positive effect someday.
So Evil Stephanie strikes again. ::sigh:: C'est la vie.
I think a fat cat is in order. Fat cats are always good to lighten a situation.