Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Pacific Northwest: What To Do In The Event Of Snow

It begins with the coverage. Sponsored by Les Schwab.
Step 1:  The initial expected reaction, after hearing the news coverage, is to do exactly as follows: Begin by running around madly with your arms flailing.  As such:

Appropriate stages of emotional reactions expected during a PNW snow event
proportionate to actual snowfall amounts.

Be aware, however, that you should also be shrieking in horror. That is important to the process of surviving this storm.

2. Proceed directly to your nearest Les Schwab tire dealership, or any tire seller that has studded tires. Purchase four new studded tires for this single storm-event. Have them installed immediately onto your vehicle. Drive as if normal weather conditions in them, and proceed to still have an accident. And then proceed to destroy the roads with said tires until April.

The 'TaxPits' - $869 please. $$Ka-ching$$
3. From the tire dealership, proceed to your nearest grocery store, and buy enough food to carry you through the equivalent of the fallout period of a level 7 nuclear event (and don't forget the wine).

"I'm gonna starve to death."
Well, I guess that SwagRiffic Vino, from the vineyards of Delaware will have to do.
4. Proceed home, navigating as best you can around the other panicked drivers at regular speed. Be sure to gun your engine to avoid sliding, and stand on your brakes to stop. You should also continue trying to steer the vehicle when you are in a free slide.  Your car should have at least half of its value lost in damages, or be totaled in order to properly fulfill the requirements of proper weather-event preparation.

5. If you reach home alive, and hopefully without having killed anyone else in your blind panic, proceed to the television and turn it on to hear the weather coverage. Then proceed to the darkest corner of your home, and form the fetal position, while being bathed in the sound of news anchors spelling out in no certain terms, the end of humankind as we know it.

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