My husband posed a question to me recently and as I mussed it about in my head for an answer, I realized, I could not come up with a viable reply. Not even a decent rationalization.
“Why do people wear toupees?” I couldn’t come up with even a mildly credible reason why anyone would wear what looks like a dead squirrel on their head. I can’t find a single reason to think it’s a better alternative than being bald. There is no such thing as a good toupee… a discreet toupee. They all scream: I’M WEARING A COWPAT ON MY HEAD! Toupee wearers are sort of irrational about it, really. They seem blind to the distinct separation of hair colours, the matted, wiry texture that just advertises that one would rather feed an insecurity rather than just maintain one's dignity… It’s completely inexplicable.
|That's a fine hair-hat you've got there sir.|
|Did he really look in the mirror that morning and say to himself; "this isn't obvious at all?|
Then I started to think about comb-overs. Trump has the most famous comb-over, and he’s even cavalier about it… but dude… just cut those ten-inch strands and go sexy Picard… the combover is doing you no favours. Once, I was walking down Mass Ave in Boston, and it was really cold and windy, and I saw this guy walking towards me, and for a second I thought he was wearing a tall ostrich feather on his head, but realized it was his combover lifting up in the wind. It was horrific. I was traumatized. I wanted to pull him aside, and pat his arm and say: Shave it. You’ll look so much manlier. There is NOTHING wrong with baldness. In fact, I’m of the type that finds bald men (like Patrick Stewart, Jason Statham or Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis) super hot. Nummy. Baldness is a manifestation and proof of excessive testosterone—in short, your incredible studliness is making your hair fall out. Embrace it! Don’t hide from it.
|This is an image of the rare greasy 'front and center combover'.|
|..... o_O ....|
Is it a girl? Is it a boy? Is it even human? Or is it one of Old Navy's mannequins?
|Artificial cankles... for those who don't have real ones and really, really want them.|
|It's like the dough that you forgot you left to rise... it's billowing out of control.|
Beyond my capacity for understanding:
|Okay.. this thing should have run its course when the 90s ended. Enough already.|
|Because giant streaks of blond are hawt. I won't even bring up those glasses.|
|GAHH! Imagine waking up to *that* one morning. You'd probably want|
to burn your eyes out with a poker.
|Madame Tussaud's best work. Look, she's emoting. Or is she?|
This is beautiful.
This is beautiful too.
If a woman is with a man who would leave her because she is aging gracefully, then let him leave! He's a shallow ***hole. I’d rather be *alone* the rest of my life than to be constantly living in fear of dashing unrealistic expectations with my naturally degrading looks; and slicing my body up into something that is just wholly inhuman to keep someone whose depth could be doubled by a pasting a sheet of paper onto his forehead. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. Who are these women anyway? What is the appeal of these ridiculous, shallow, clueless creatures? It’s a train wreck.
And WTF are these? And why are they famous? Seriously? Why?
|A-durrrrrrp de deeerp....|
"[INSERT RANDOM ACTOR]
Apparently outing everyone in the universe can make you famous.
|Bad taste and classlessness in one convenient tool-kit.|
|Proof that completely useless wastes of space do exist.|
|Check it out, it's Justin Beiber with silicone implants and extensions.|