Friday, October 22, 2010

Things that mystify me.

My husband posed a question to me recently and as I mussed it about in my head for an answer, I realized, I could not come up with a viable reply. Not even a decent rationalization.

“Why do people wear toupees?” I couldn’t come up with even a mildly credible reason why anyone would wear what looks like a dead squirrel on their head. I can’t find a single reason to think it’s a better alternative than being bald. There is no such thing as a good toupee… a discreet toupee. They all scream: I’M WEARING A COWPAT ON MY HEAD! Toupee wearers are sort of irrational about it, really. They seem blind to the distinct separation of hair colours, the matted, wiry texture that just advertises that one would rather feed an insecurity rather than just maintain one's dignity… It’s completely inexplicable.

That's a fine hair-hat you've got there sir.
Did he really look in the mirror that morning and say to himself; "this isn't obvious at all?

Then I started to think about comb-overs. Trump has the most famous comb-over, and he’s even cavalier about it… but dude… just cut those ten-inch strands and go sexy Picard… the combover is doing you no favours. Once, I was walking down Mass Ave in Boston, and it was really cold and windy, and I saw this guy walking towards me, and for a second I thought he was wearing a tall ostrich feather on his head, but realized it was his combover lifting up in the wind. It was horrific. I was traumatized. I wanted to pull him aside, and pat his arm and say: Shave it. You’ll look so much manlier. There is NOTHING wrong with baldness. In fact, I’m of the type that finds bald men (like Patrick Stewart, Jason Statham or Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis) super hot. Nummy. Baldness is a manifestation and proof of excessive testosterone—in short, your incredible studliness is making your hair fall out. Embrace it! Don’t hide from it.

This is an image of the rare greasy 'front and center combover'.
Anyway. Here are a few other things that just puzzle me exceedingly:


..... o_O ....
Is it a girl? Is it a boy? Is it even human? Or is it one of Old Navy's mannequins?
The appeal of UGG boots:

Artificial cankles... for those who don't have real ones and really, really want them.
This look that just won’t go away…

It's like the dough that you forgot you left to rise... it's billowing out of control.
Holy crap.  Go to Wal-Mart and buy pants that frikkin’ FIT! Suck it up! You’re a 10… you’re a 12, not a 6, not an 8… Accept it, and you’ll look SO much better if you wear pants that are your actual size. OMG…

Beyond my capacity for understanding:

Okay.. this thing should have run its course when the 90s ended. Enough already.
Not getting it.

Because giant streaks of blond are hawt. I won't even bring up those glasses.

Freaky Plastic-Spider-Face:

GAHH! Imagine waking up to *that* one morning. You'd probably want
to burn your eyes out with a poker.
What the hell? If I were a man, and my wife thought that by doing this to her face that she would keep me (and my money), I’d divorce her and marry a nubile 21 year old just to reap revenge on her for turning herself into a freak-show. Seriously! I watched the Real Housewives the other night, and one of these plastic skanks (whose family owns a hotel in Vegas) looks like… Ugh… I can’t even describe what she looks like because it’s so extraterrestrial and unnatural looking. Her face slopes back from these massive alien-looking cheekbones, her eyebrows … OMG the eyebrows… her skin looks like it was made from smoothened silicone.

Madame Tussaud's best work. Look, she's emoting. Or is she?
Were her eyes always being yanked up at her temples? What the hell? There is no explanation to me as to how this is what women think is beautiful? You know what’s beautiful?

This is beautiful.

This is beautiful too.

If a woman is with a man who would leave her because she is aging gracefully, then let him leave! He's a shallow ***hole. I’d rather be *alone* the rest of my life than to be constantly living in fear of dashing unrealistic expectations with my naturally  degrading looks; and slicing my body up into something that is just wholly inhuman to keep someone whose depth could be doubled by a pasting a sheet of paper onto his forehead. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. Who are these women anyway? What is the appeal of these ridiculous, shallow, clueless creatures? It’s a train wreck.


And WTF are these? And why are they famous? Seriously? Why?

A-durrrrrrp de deeerp....
Apparently outing everyone in the universe can make you famous.
Bad taste and classlessness in one convenient tool-kit.
Proof that completely useless wastes of space do exist.
And honestly… is this really hot? Take away the silicone, wife off the makeup, cut the hair and she’d look like a 12-year-old boy. I don’t get it. Not hot.

Check it out, it's Justin Beiber with silicone implants and extensions.
What a world we live in. Seriously. Happy Friday all. I intend to sleep all weekend, and maybe see the horse. ;)


An attempt at life... said...

Thank you for all of the giggles!!!!!

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Hahahaha! I loved this post! Thank you for the laughs and now I know I'm not alone in how I feel about so many things!! Have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...


Christine H. said...

Oh, this is too funny...or is it depressing? I can't decide. I guess it's both. It reminds me of the movie Idiocracy. If you haven't seen it, you probably should. Seems so preposterous, yet not.

Our Heroine said...

I think I'm traumatized. What are people thinking?

I applaud your realistic view of aging. I must point out that the older women you highlighted have aged tremendously well and almost certainly have had plastic surgery. There are treatments to improve elasticity of the skin, injections for lines and to fill in lost fat, chemical peels for smoother/younger textured skin, etc. Aging is not a pretty sight, sadly.

the Goodwife said...

HAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAAAA!! Oh how I totally agree with you! You sing is Sister! LOL! man sports a shaved head even though he truly does have a thick head of hair if he doens't shave. Bald is SEXY baby! ;) Hope you had a good stress free weekend!

Nancy said...

Seldom in my 10 years of being online have I seen a post I can so totally relate to. I have hee-hawed all through this because --- you are RIGHT, of course ! ! !
Total concurrence from my little piece of the internet galaxy!
Well said and so true!


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