Monday, December 6, 2010

A 'scienterifical' study of cop evilness.

Once upon a time, I thought policemen were the cat’s meow. They were awesome in their pockety pants with their bad-ass swagger, all those tazery implements of torture they get to use, and the license to speed like demons in powerful vehicles... Yeah. They were cool. WERE. My opinion has been strongly influenced towards the negative since I’ve moved to Oregon. In New Hampshire, I had friends who were cops and they were cool & stuff. I've discovered that I don't find cops quite so likeable here in Oregon. Why? Because I’ve discovered that Oregon cops are evil. And after a lot of dogged, 'legitimate' research and data crunching, I think I’ve discovered the fundamental reasons why this is.

Well, the statistics speak for themselves.  The reason comes down to these simple statistics to start:

Police per-capita in New Hampshire: ~ 2.2 officers per 1,000 people ~ 2,900 cops.
Population: 1,300,000
Persons per square mile: 139.0
46th largest state in the country. 9,351 square miles.
= cops that are somewhat affable and who know people.

Police per-capita in Oregon. ~ 1.5 officers per 1,000 people. ~ 5,700 cops
Population: 3,800,000
Persons per square mile: 38.6
9th largest state in the country; 98,386 square miles.
= uniforms full of concentrated evil.

Summarizing just those statistics alone, you can see that in Oregon, there are 2.9 times the number of people than there are in NH. There are only 2 times the number of police than NH, oddly. And Oregon is about 10.5 times the size of NH. Add in the rain half the year and the crappy roads and I’m thinking I can see why these overworked, tired-of-driving all over hell guys are 100% evil.

A 'scientific' study of the distribution of Police officers around the respective states:

Similar distribution patterns emerge.
Outlying communities, you're on your own! 
Incoming out of state traffic... Look out.
 NH Police, general daily cases and challenges:
  • College kids using pot.
  • Disturbance at Dunkin’ Donuts.
  • Lost pets and seniors.
  • Speeders.
  • Directing traffic around construction sites.
  • Directing traffic at the pumpkin festivals.
  • Moose-car collisions.
  • Massachusetts drivers.

Oregon Police, general daily cases and challenges:
  • Meth labs.
  • Pot growers.
  • Heavily armed hoarders.
  • People on shooting sprees
  • Landslides and fallen trees
  • Recovery of hikers/climbers/Californians lost in the wilderness.
  • Speeders.
  • Unlit highways
  • Catastrophic car crashes with fatalities and sometimes involving wildlife.
  • Rampant drug-related homocide.
  • Bears and cougars
  • This guy:
  • Domestic violence calls involving weapons.
  • Californian drivers.
  • Washington drivers.
  • Granolas driving Subarus.
Crime rate comparison using 2009 data:



.... further proof that Oregon cops might have good reason for being major jerks when dealing with the public.  I mean, let's consider that there aren't even 2x the number of cops in OR that there are in NH... and look at the disparities between the volume of crimes committed in each state. And we're not even talking emergencies like floods and rescues and all that other crud, or are we even looking at traffic infractions... we're just talking full-on crime here.

Other factors contributing to general cop grumpiness in Oregon:
NH: 1 Dunkin Donuts at least every square mile in densely populated areas, and at least one in pretty much every town.
OR: Only a few Krispy-Kremes in the whole state, and a general lack of any other nearby donut franchises or shops.

NH: Cop shoots skeevy guy who looks like he's reaching for a weapon in an elevated situation. Guy shouldn't have reached into his pocket screaming 'I have a gun!' RIP--natural selection. End of story.
OR: Cop shoots skeevy guy who looks like he's reaching for a weapon in an elevated situation.  Public becomes outraged because cop isn't clairevoyant or able to diagnose mental illness on-the-spot. Cop is fired.

No Excuse:
Morally, none of them should be jerks at all when they get to drive *this* bad-assness every day.

Yeah, high-speed chases and such are dangerous and scary.. but Hello.... CHARGER! Charger with crash-bars and low-profile LED lights and kickass hawtness. Of course, the real evil cops might be the ones freezing on the motorcycles, or the ones stuck driving the old Crown Vics and SUVs. If that were the case. I'd be really pissy too.

THEREFORE: Oregon cops *are* evil.  But I probably would be too if I did their job. AND I'd be forced to wear polyester... which that in and of itself can induce homocidal tendencies. 

Today is also St. Nicolas's day.  YAY! I miss that very much.  


An attempt at life... said...

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant stop laughing!

The Dreamstress said... I'm laughing and crying!

Samantha said...

hah! Too cute! said...

I dont know what I love more - your name or the fact that your stats on Oregon scared the hell out of me.
Either way, I love your blog!


Related Posts with Thumbnails