Friday, April 15, 2011

Everything x 100 (and happy Fry-daaaay)


O... M... G... This Lupron stuff is like capturing the word Volatile, distilling it into thick, viscous, concentrated syrup and then forcing it down someone’s throat with a funnel. I am acutely aware of how my emotions have revved up into hyper-drive and I feel things with an intensity that is wholly unnatural. I’m 100% not in control of my feelings. At all. Even in the depths of my worst depression, my sorrow never felt as complete as it did the night before last, when I was bawling like I lost my father again. Why? Because I was watching the end of Juno where Jennifer Garner gets the baby. We’re talking full-on grieving waterworks. I am 100% serious. This is unbelievable.

When I am worried, it's worry x 100. It’s like the world is coming to an end and the anxiety tightens my chest and the all my brain dwells on are the worst-case scenarios; complete with vivid play-by-play imagery. When I am mad, it's mad x 100. For instance, when a stupid teen-aged girl throws a cigarette butt and an empty McD’s fry-packet out of her car, my rage is like She-Hulk, steam puffing out of my ears, teeth gritted, tailgating, braking, screaming, shaking fists, flipping the middle finger, making the pig nose and following them until I realized how INSANE I am being and have to pull over and do a ‘breathe-1-2-3’ exercise to get the fury out of my belly. When I just talk about something that unnerves or upsets me, the words are filled with passionate conviction, and I start smacking things around, chopping the vegetables more violently, and almost becoming irrationally obsessed about the subject.

I am out of control. And this is only the beginning. The first of six shots. I am told the effects will abate a bit with each shot, I sure as hell hope so, not just for my sake, but for my husband’s and the people on the road with me during my commute, my co-workers and mostly my family, who usually invoke the most powerful of emotions... The day before last, I got all emotional about something at work, and thankfully my coworkers were so cool about it, Sherry doing a silly dance to distract me from my crying and freaking out, and Kris came and slapped me (playfully of course). They were funny and it helped a lot. But I can’t expect everyone to be able to humour me out of these irrational explosions of emotion. Holy Hell.

On another less CRAZY note, the Weight Watchers thing seems to be working. In spite of having moments of obsessive thoughts about foods that are bad for me (I dream about burgers, fries, Belgian waffles and cake pretty often), I am managing to stick to the program and I don’t really feel deprived. The funny thing is, I’m actually eating more, and more frequently than I usually do, I’m just eating things with lower calories and making sure I’m not putting my body into starvation mode by skipping meals (a norm for me—I hardly ever eat breakfast normally) or under-eating. I am pleased to see the items in our pantry and fridge taking a healthier turn, and we are still eating delicious things. Last night, I made some turkey meatballs. I sautéed some shallots and garlic and celery with some basil and a few other spices (including a passionate emotional diatribe about a recent interaction that upset me to no end) and then mixed them into the ground turkey with a handful of breadcrumbs, a rasp or two of parm and an egg. I steamed them and then browned them in a pan, and covered them with a marinara. Add some wheat pasta and it was absolutely delicious. A whopping 20 points with double servings of pasta and nine meatballs each, but hey... we deserved it and we both had the point balance to do it.

Hubby has been making a habit of supplying himself with fruit to attack all day—a habit I have picked up. I keep bananas and oranges at my desk all week. With Weight-Watchers, fruit and vegetables are unlimited, so you can pork out to the max on them. If you feel like you want to eat your own arm, make a fruit salad. You can have colossal salads and you only have to count your dressing. If you’re like me, and you make your own dressing from lemon-juice and spices... you don’t even have to count that.

With every few pounds you lose, your points allowance (about 1 point per fifty calories depending on fibre content of the food) goes down, so eventually, you can eat fewer calories a day using healthier foods and maintain your weight. It makes sense. And it’s working, if I can stick with it and not have a Belgian Waffle and double burger and fries melt down ::drool::. :^D

I am at the 8lb mark so far. Not bad for less than three weeks, doncha think? It feels good to be disciplined about something. If feels like it did when I decided to quit smoking in November of 2001. It was a decision. No more excuses, no more justification as to why I can’t, or coming up with reasons why this or that method won’t work for me... I just decided to stop for two weeks for my sisters’ visit and then just stayed stopped. I feel super-supported by my hubby, who started this in January and has already lost 25 lbs. I’m so proud of him.

Maybe I can reward myself when I get to my goal weight, and make myself a whole new Regency wardrobe. Now, I am free to ‘just show up’ to ORS events since I stepped down as the tyrant dictator. I am now free to just sit around and complain vociferously about the whole event but lift not a single finger to help. Sounds like a delightful change. I can concentrate on my costumes and start really trying to make nice things instead of rushing them because so-and-so needs a gown made or I am busy making event arrangements. Yep. Maybe I’ll just do that.  ::mua ha:: Anyway. As I warned everyone on Facebook, if you're sensitive, keep away for the next six months. My filter is severely compromised, if not completely gone.  Oh boy. ::sigh:: I guess I'll figure out who my real friends and family are in the next few months.


My elder (but not eldest) sister is coming to town to show us how it's done. :)

Oh, shoot, I almost forgot! My sister (the Cowgirl Cuisine lady); accomplished horsewoman to the 1000th degree, is going to be coming to my barn in Oregon to hold a special clinic on horsemanship.  She has worked with some pretty amazing luminaries of the equestrian world, including the famous Ray Hunt.  She only has fifteen spots available for those who want to trailer their horses over to the barn for three days and participate.  Here's the Facebook event page (you probably have to be signed in to see it).  Also you can download the flyer here.  I also Craigslisted it.  So if you're within trailering distance, you're welcome to take part, but you have to secure your spot soon, there are not very many spaces.

2 comments:

Summer (Our Heroine) said...

The Lupron sounds incredibly difficult. Having good friends and family to help is wonderful. Good luck!

And congrats on your healthy weight loss :)

Anonymous said...

OMG the Friday thing at top is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooofunny

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