Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Boo hoo wah. Blame it on the Lupron.

I look back on the past two years and I wonder how the hell I made it through with my sanity marginally intact (the jury is still out on it at this point).  It seemed to begin (at least for me) in February of 2009; but on March 13 (Friday), 2009. That was the day where my marriage nearly ended.  From there, the year just went mostly downhill. My father suffered a sudden and rapid decline in his health—I was told I needed to make all these desperate preparations for my mom, dad and brother to move to Oregon; a move that actually didn’t happen until the following April.  This was the same move that ultimately killed my father. That was May of 2010. Of course, before all that, my husband was laid off. Then my difficult mother became so ill on several occasions, requiring hospitalization.  There was the task of getting her back to some measure of manageable health (seemingly against her own will) and placed into assisted care (while battling my family every step of the way).  Then there was also my becoming the guardian to a 38-year-old 2-year-old. Then we went on to trying to survive on the 30%+ reduced income and trying to keep our little house out of foreclosure while battling the whole fertility thing, fighting with my sisters, the surgeries for my abdominal issues, the medications, the ups, the letdowns, the hurt of a betrayal of a trusted friend in the ORS (and subsequent forgiving of her) and the thankless burden the once joyful thing had become.  I wouldn’t wish that on even my worst enemy.

Oh man... I’m TIRED. I’m ridiculously, hopelessly tired.

At SOME point something good has to happen. Something positive. Yes, I have my horse, and I have my husband who loves me and I am proud and happy to have overcome difficult times together, we have a home, our two overweight obnoxious dogs, a cat I insist that I do not like (murdering bastard), at least ONE decent friend who is there for me)... but holy hell people.  It’s time for a break. It’s time for a windfall. It’s time for good news. It’s time for a vacation to Europe with my husband, or I don’t know... SOMETHING. Maybe that rich SOB George Soros will take pity on this poor Hungarican Chick and will say: Hey, here’s some money... buy a horse farm, be happy! You’ve paid your dues.  You’ve worked your ass off and deserve it. You’ve blazed trails through the wilderness so others could saunter down them unknowingly thinking ‘hey, this ain’t so hard!’  Good things come to those who work hard and who are responsible and doing the right thing... right? Isn’t it?  Maybe not.  Maybe this barrage of the impossible never ends for folks like us. If that’s the case, stop this ride, I WANT OFF. :::facepalm:::

This is probably a Lupron-induced diatribe, or maybe it’s just that sense of defeat I’ve been keeping at bay getting an edge on me.  I suppose I can be pleased with some things. I’m at the 12 lb mark as of yesterday morning.  Hubby’s lost almost 27 lbs.  You can really see it on him now.  I have my horse, and my health. I have a marriage that has become so strong and healthy and wonderful in spite of... or maybe because of the bad things that happened two years ago.  I have the idea of adoption to look forward to regardless of the success of this treatment, and we are going to move forward on that. We are registered for the classes required by the state to qualify for the program.  

There are some difficulties I know will get easier. Especially if Mom Satan moves to Puerto Rico as she plans (sometimes she changes her mind when someone asks her how she could leave her son behind).  I can only hope that the job situation will improve enough that we won’t be scraping by to keep the things that make life worthwhile, like this guy for me:

You could go bankrupt buying carrots for this guy. :)

And this guy for my hubby:

It's the black one in the foreground. My hubby's Monster.
I’ll try and stay positive. I keep myself looking forward by cramming my life with projects so I don’t dwell too much on the moment at hand, which is usually stressful.  I’ve managed to fight off hopelessness sans medication for more than nine years now.  But with this Lupron, my moods are magnified.  Anyway, I’m done whining.  For now.  I try to keep it to a moderate level, and try very hard to keep it off Facebook. I’ve been struck lately at how easily a person can come off as a whining fool on Facebook.  Status update after status update of incessant complaints about really superficial and stupid stuff.  OMG... Shut up!  LOL.

/Whinefest.  Ahh.... I feel better.  Have a nice Wednesday.


garofit said...

I feel your pain. I too wonder if some people ever get a break. I don't know. Life can shit all over you. But the good things in one's life are always worth keeping alive, fighting for. It's damn hard sometimes, though.
All the best to you.

rental elf said...

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