Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I do adore you so.

A Confession: having a roughish time of being alone, I feel myself want for affection. You see, I come from a pretty unaffectionate family; and it took some adjustment for me to become accustomed to the gentle sweetness of my husband; and sometimes it is still kind of overwhelming to me.

There are creatures that bring out that affectionate side of me. Children, dogs, baby animals and my husband. In order to warm up to people and be really affectionate, I have to step across very uncomfortable boundaries that have been part of my life for years. I'm also more easily affectionate with men than with women; obvious reasons aside (teehee) I think it's because of the guilelessness of a man's motives as opposed to the more complicated motives of a woman. I have a hard time hugging my girlfriends. A very hard time. There's no lack of enthusiasm, but I just don't know how to be affectionate to non-family without under or overdoing it. So I remain restrained.

Dan is away. And for the five weeks of torturous solitude, I find what I am missing most are the soft embraces where he will wrap his arms around me, and he kisses the top of my head. Just thinking of not having that when I get home, my chest feels heavy and empty all at once.

Being alone in my first apartment, I did well. Now, having known what it is to be content with another person, I am not handling the solitude very well at all. Instead of using this empty time to be creative or filling it with projects, I find myself doing things that allow me to avoid being alone with myself... watching movies or television, sleeping, filling my day with useless, mindless tasks. It's harder than I expected it would be. I miss my husband so much.

I decided to force my creativity today and create an 'office special' during lunch. And here's the result. Oddly, and yet not, it's an image of affection. A mother clutching her little daughter. I chose raccoons because I saw a pair of them last night taking a casual stroll down our road last night when I went outside to take the garbage out. They are so adorable.

"I do adore you so." I suppose it is to some degree, my own wishful thinking. How I would have liked things to be between mother and I. Hug your children. Trust me, it will make them better people.


storybeader said...

you capture the animals so well - I love your work! Sorry you are feeling lonely and down in the dumps. Here's a *hug* from the storybeader.

Lauren said...

I love your animal drawings. Too cute :-) I'm sorry you feeling down, missing your husband. I hope the time goes quickly. :-)

I think it is Datamancer who made that computer. I found it on the WIRED website, so I'm not positive. But its really neat :-)

elfkin said...

darling, your work always astounds me. It comes from somewhere deep inside, a window into your heart.


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