The Guide to Hideous Eyebrows.

I have really bad eyebrows. If you’ve been following my blog, you know I suffer from the ‘Hungarican Curse’ as described in this special post. I consider my post on the Hungarican Curse a public service; sharing the dangers and pitfalls of Hungarian/Puerto-Rican interbreeding. Tragically hairy, dark, huge groucho eyebrows are one of the devastating genetic side-effects of this combination (among others).

I get them waxed fairly infrequently. I actually LIKE the feeling of having those babies waxed, but I am leery about who I allow to wax them. Depending on who it is, I can walk out of a salon looking any number of ways. I prefer a nice, natural arch, some thickness left behind, but just cleaned up around the edges (if allowed to grow freely, I would probably have curtains of eyebrows over my whole eye socket which would have to be parted so I could see through them). However, I’ve come out of an eyebrow waxing looking like a number of the below described eyebrow types and I have had to be very careful about who does them after that. I'd rather go shaggy than end up like something below.

I often just keep them pretty natural and I trim them. Yes, trim with scissors whenever they get shaggy. They can be out of control a lot, especially in the morning when I’ve slept on them and they are pointing upwards like Spock. I am however, committed to keeping them natural looking, and you know, if you follow this blog, how much I rail on bad eyebrows. They are a scourge.

So I’ve created this guide to help you identify the bad eyebrow, and to, one set of brows at a time, change the world for the better, and to eliminate the horror that is bad eyebrows.



Also sometimes known as the 'Spermatazoa'

 The Slim Quote is one of more popular of the bad-brows.  A thick, dense little patch hovers at the front of the brow, with a tiny little line trailing off over the eye. Sometimes these are arced very high. Sometimes they are waxed this way, sometimes, they are drawn on this way.  They are all-out hideous and must be stopped.

The Fat Quote, like the slim, has a thick part towards the center of the face, and then a sudden decrease in thickness at about the middle of the eye. This style is also known as The Machete'.

The Bozo speaks for itself. Lending the wearer with a permanent appearance of suprise and astonishment, the Bozo can come in a variety of thicknesses but is most frequently applied with a thin pencil line. This is the most offensive of all the bad-brows and should be slapped right off the faces of the people who apply them. These brows are usually drawn-on, because the apogee of the bozo arc almost always rises far above where natural eyebrows grow.




Sometimes known as 'The Spock' or the 'Live Long and Prosper'

 The Vulcan is usually worn by women with severe and humourless personalities.  The waxing process to create this look is fast and simple, often done with a straight-edge to acheive the maximum sharpness possible of the line. These are sometimes applied slightly crooked by bad waxes, lending the wearer a permanent look of puzzlement and bemusement or the air of being sardonic and smug.

Most commonly found on 20-something Wal-Mart staff with muffin-tops... this dash rarely meets the line of the corner of each eye.  Waxed into tiny rectangles the Dash eyebrow is usually accompanied by red, puffy eyebrow skin and acne.



Sometimes called the Shepherd's Hook.

 This crime against womanhood is most often sported by older women. They are usually all done in pencil, usually a medium to dark brown, sometimes a harsh black. A little hook is made in the inner brow, and then a quick swish of the eye pencil and voila, you have the ugliest eyebrows known to humankind.  Usually, the older the woman, the squigglier the line is.

The same as Little Bo-Peep, except for the angle of ascent, giving the older lady wearing it the appearance of severe irritation.

This eyebrow is a much-offended crime in the Hungarican circle.  Mostly because we are all born with thick brows, and somehow we are baffled as to what to do with them.  The solution for some is to hack off the tapered corner, and wax too far outwards from the center of the brow, and to end up looking like a moron.

The Ever-Astonished comes in many forms.  The trait of this bad-brow is that it is usually drawn on areas where no natural eyebrow could actually grow, mainly, the forehead.

Some Einstein out there came up with the idea that women could just colour on their eyebrows from a template just like Kindergarteners do with tracing templates and crayons.  This usually generates an eyebrow that is hugely thick, densely coloured and too heavy for a woman's face.  But hey... at least they're even, right?  Women who wear these type of eyebrows often inadvertently frighten small children and make them cry.




Also sometimes referred to as the 'Spider Face' brow.

 This eyebrow is often on the face of women who've also happened to have plastic surgery done.  The shape of the brow is mostly due ot the procedures, the skin of the forehead being yanked up at the temples to give the brows that super-arced, not-in-their-natural-place look.  This gives these women the appearance of a disney villainess like the witch from Snowwhite, and Cruella DeVille.