Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Running on the Hamster Wheel.

I’m a strange person. I’m not happy unless I’m creating something. If I’m not writing, I’m drawing, if I’m not drawing, I’m sewing, or doing some other new project I’ve decided I’m going to try, or I’m imagining a new business venture; the building it would occupy, the sign that would hang above the door. I’m also prone to depression, so I can always tell when I’m depressed because that bug inside that is always working, always dreaming, always conjuring and creating is quiet.

I’m in a weird state these past few months. It’s like I’m part depressed part in hyper-creation mode. I want to be doing creative things, I want to have the freedom to build something grand, to create the art that I want, to write more books; but sometimes the ability is there, sometimes it’s not. There’re days when all I want to do is write, write, write, or days when sewing occupies my mind, and other days when all I want to do is sleep.

Then there’s my job; which is like a black hole—sucking away my creativity like the real thing would suck away light and matter. And it’s never ending. I get up, I get ready, I drive an hour, I do the same tasks I’m supposed to do, day after day, then I go home, we figure out dinner, spend an hour or two watching TV, then we go to bed, lather-rinse-repeat.

I fill my life with all these activities and groups; which are the fuel that keep me going, even though my physical ability to keep up with it all is taking its toll.

The other day I was driving and I just sort of broke. I had to pull over because I started blubbering and weeping. It’s like a hamster wheel. I’m running and running and running and getting nowhere. In my head, I have all these dreams and ideas and creative forces that are really without a proper outlet. I'm getting old, maybe I'm starting to see the futility of trying anymore. There are all these reasons why I shouldn’t take the risks I need to take. Mortgage, fuel costs, bills, responsibility; but where does it end. How do I get off this damned wheel, and allow my creative beast to just take off? Will I ever be able to just step off and walk past the stupid wheel at all?

What can I do? I think I’m going insane (if I’m not already there).

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