The good things I will miss...

I've been dwelling too much on the negative things lately; harbouring my anger for all the injustices and the cruelties I've seen in the last few weeks. I've been forgetting the important things, the things that made things good... the things worth remembering... the things that I will miss most.

So I wrote them down to remind me... when I hear the cool cast of his voice, or I get an email that is particularly defensive and angry... I wrote them down so I can see him in a caring light, and keep him in my heart when everything seems so horrible.

• The “Just Because” flowers.
• The way he played with the dogs.
• The occasional bagel and tea on the counter in the morning.
• The smooch on the top of my head.
• His smile.
• The way he made me laugh like few other could.
• His laughter.
• His tenderness.
• His playfulness.
• His compassion.
• His meatloaf and potato salad.
• His soft-spot for animals.
• His robot dance.
• Long, lingering hugs.
• His face.
• His kiss.
• His friendship.
• The sound of his car coming up the driveway each night.
• The comfort of his warmth beside me.
• His gentleness.
• His soul.
• His goodness.
• His generosity.
• His sense of humour.

I realized that I am grieving him as if he has passed away. I feel as if he went away one day a few months ago, and he hasn’t returned; that some horrible trajedy occurred in the field, and that the person who came back is someone completely different; a stranger, who is cruel, and uncaring, and who looks at me with hard, cold eyes and speaks without warmth or compassion.

I feel like a widow.